My friend James is a self confessed football obsessive and he’s just been dumped by his long term girlfriend.
He’s pretty cut up about it.
His ex-girlfriend however just scored points all round with the most creative breakup letter I’ve ever seen. It’s still pretty raw but he’s let me share this with you.
With lines like : “I feel like I’m asking Marouane Fellaini to win the premier league”
“Every time we have an argument I’m up against Chris Smalling and Phil Jones – your defence is full of holes” – I think you’ll agree she’s got the football lingo nailed.
Here you can read the full break up letter below:
I don’t know how to tell you this but believe me I’ve tried. You’re so self-confident that you don’t actually listen. Therefore I’ve had to write this down in the only way I know you’ll understand.
I feel like I’m Alexis Sanchez watching Theo Walcott try to score a penalty. I want out so badly.
Our relationship has been so stressful, I’m trying so hard to fix things and you’re just being so Mesut Ozil. You just can’t be bothered.
Another 2 years just goes by, then another 2 years and another 2, now your contract is up. You’ve slipped down the league, were barely even qualifying for Europe and I don’t feel I can justify renewing it.
I know I demand a lot, but it feels like I’m asking Marouane Fellaini to win the Premier League. Yes, some weeks you play well but I can’t keep dating Marouane Fellaini!
You’re Jose Mourinho at a press conference. You don’t give me any time any more.
Plus I’m fed up of calls from your mother, let’s call her Mrs Raiola shall we?! She’s pulling the strings on every move you make, YOU’RE 29!
Every time we have an argument I’m up against Chris Smalling and Phil Jones – your defence is full of holes. Which brings me on to Friday’s bullshit. Babe, I spoke to you just as you left the club. It was 2am. We live twenty mins from town. You took 2 hours. You said you stopped for a kebab. Ben told me about how you gave your ex a lift home. That was an own goal babe. There no way out of that one.
I know there are memories of our time together you’ll never forget. Like travelling France last summer, funny how you omitted some vital info to me there. I certainly won’t forget 13 games and long days drinking with your mates! I appreciate you ‘treating me’ you’re a good guy, you get results. Often you go above and beyond, but to be honest, you’re a bit Diego Costa. You’re fucking crazy!!
Before you ask me, there isn’t someone else. There’s no transfer deal in place.
I do still love you. Like Terry’s legacy with Chelsea our memories will always live on. But please don’t call me. I never want to see you again.